"So when did you change?"

Last night we had our neighbors over for a BBQ.  Two families live down the street and they both have kids and we have fun when we all get together.  And although we get together regularly they don't know much about me.  I was having a conversation with Scott and he was asking me about my past: high school, college etc.  It was fun reliving the older days.  That's when he asked me "so when did you change?"  "What do you mean?" I asked.  "Well now you are so quiet and reserved.  You obviously used to have a wild side and were outgoing.  So when did that change?"  was his response.  My response was "when I got married and had kids."


I've been thinking about that question since he asked it.  And I think its funny he asked since I just started this whole journey thing.  I guess I changed when I got married, I mean I was no longer single so I had no reason to be going out to bars or hitting the single scene.  And then when you become a mother suddenly there are things in your past that you don't think would be the best things for your kids to know.  But to become quiet and reserved?  I guess I didn't realize that was the perception people had of me, the ones who didn't know me "back in the day".  


But that also makes sense.  Since I don't really like me these days I try to be invisible in most social situations.  It made me sad though, I'm a fun person and outgoing and those new in my life have no idea.  I'm glad he asked me those questions, it was really eye-opening.  And now its also something to work on.

through the looking glass

Have you ever walked by a store window and instead of looking in looked away?  Or looked in but only saw your reflection and not the things inside the store?  I have to admit I do both of these.  I try not to look and when I do what I see makes me sad.  I have become someone who I don't recognize at all.  In the last 7 years I have gotten married, had 2 kids and gained 70 lbs!  70??  yeah 70.... and none of it is baby weight.  I was lucky, with my son I only gained 16 lbs and after having him I lost almost 40.  With my daughter I only gained 6lbs and after having her lost somewhere around 30 lbs.  Pregnancy for me was a great diet.  


In my early 20's (I'm 37 now...ugh when did I get to be 37??) I was fit and healthy and active.  A single girl out of college enjoying life.  I had some boyfriends along the way, and a couple that I thought were "the ones".   I went out with girlfriends and traveled with work.  I just had fun the way all 20 somethings should.  My weight had always been a "thing" for me.  I yo-yo'ed in high school and in college, but I was always healthy, eating right and working out.  I was a competitive swimmer from the age of 6, played basketball and volleyball in school and was a cheerleader.  I was never thin, normally I wore a size 10 or 12, but I liked who I was and was confident in my own body.


Now, I hate who I am.  I'm uncomfortable in my body and am more comfortable staying out of social situations.  I hate seeing people I know who haven't seen me in a long time, I'm embarrassed by the way I look now.  


So today is the first day of my journey, the journey back to me.  Somethings won't change, I will still be a wife and a mother and I would never give those things up, but the "me" inside me is gone.  I recently teamed up with my awesome chiropractor and we are working towards a more healthy way of life for me and my family.  An "extreme makeover" of sorts.... and the posts here will follow me through this time in my life.


I need to find a way to look through the reflection, through the glass and into the beauty that is inside.